Why Dads Need to Get More Involved in Parenting
My husband, Anthony E. Chapman, has graced our wonderful readers at Biracial Bookworms with a refreshing contribution with a male perspective on parenting. We know how important it is to get dads involved in parenting their children.
I could not let my wife have all the fun, and wanted to reach out to her readers to share how I see things through the lens of a father.
First of all, I am not an educator (although I’ve played one in a make-believe story with my 5-year-old daughter and was quite successful at the role). My prose may not measure up to that of an English professor, so please read with a little grace. Below I will outline why it is so valuable for fathers to get more involved in parenting.
You Cannot Choose Your Family
Children do not get to choose their parents, socioeconomic status, ethnicity and many other environmental conditions that become their world. There is no vote on how children are nurtured and under which conditions. Most of us learn our parenting skills primarily from our parents. In general, parents want the best for their children without giving them everything.
As a young child, I had very limited material items, and cherished the few that I received. I did not have a consistent male role model in my life during my formative years to teach me how to balance the responsibilities of parenting. However, I have never allowed that to be an excuse or stumbling block to learning the important roles of parenting and education. I gained a measure of success through hard work and sheer determination. Moreover, education has been a critical part of the experience. A book that I highly recommend is Brain Rules: 12 Principles for Surviving and Thriving at Home, Work, and School by John Medina. In this book, he illustrates how to surround your child with a positive environment for learning. He captures how to be a more effective leader, not only in your profession, but also at home.
MYTH: Men are only Financial Providers
Most young men were taught while growing up, “you must provide for your family, that’s what men do.” I was instilled with this traditional mindset from a young age. There was never any discussion of parental responsibilities outside of providing financially. I believe teaching is a fundamental aspect of being a parent (whether we know how or not). Some may say it is a fundamental responsibility, but it’s important to recognize what this influential role encompasses.
Once again, I am not a formally trained educator of my children, but my responsibility is to do more than just provide a paycheck. My goal is to play a significant role in teaching my children how to become a positive citizen and contributor to their community and society. Time is a critical element outside of our control, and our children seemingly move along the spectrum of life at a rapid pace. There is no time to waste and fathers cannot procrastinate or brush off their responsibilities in educating their children. Even subtle acknowledgement and attentiveness is what a young child needs from their father.
Effective Parenting for Men
What does it take to be an effective parent? For starters, all children are different. I have three children (another on the way), and each of my children responds to different love languages. Although they may share characteristics, each requires a different level of attention and praise. You must get to know your child to understand how they communicate. Then regardless of their age or personality, you know how to connect.
When my son was young, he and I would go to Denny’s for breakfast. Our time together started with me reading the newspaper and my son watching TV on the restaurant screen. As father and son, this individual time allowed us to connect without words. I knew that the flow of conversation would begin when he was ready. Before long, we were discussing a variety of subjects without elicitation so my son did not feel forced.
I was consistently attentive to his concerns and listened carefully before speaking. In doing this, I was able to decide how to manage the communication without causing him to withdraw. This allows an open-ended approach to ease our roles as parent and child. Additionally, I learned so much from him and enjoyed the one on one time (not to mention the delicious breakfast).
The Art of Listening
If you read How to Talk so Kids Will Listen & Listen so Kids will Talk by Adele Faber, this type of engagement can start early and the location can be any venue that’s conducive to communication. You can trust in the foundation you have built and be open-minded and ready to listen even if it is difficult. By allowing the relationship to be an adventure, your child will appreciate your efforts for years to come.
In conclusion, reflect and take action if necessary to be a more involved father. Start with a small, measurable step, like breakfast, towards your ultimate goal. Be aware of negative childhood habits or experiences and break the cycle. Above all, take responsibility. An added bonus: while investing quality time with your kids, you never know who you may meet along the way!:)
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06/01/2017 @ 12:25 pm
I’m so lucky that my husband is such a great stay at home dad! It’s so important. Great post!
05/31/2017 @ 3:25 pm
I’m so lucky to have an involved husband who actually works from home, so we are both very hands-on in our children’s lives. <3
05/31/2017 @ 3:40 pm
You and your kids are blessed Caitlin!! Your children have a very bright future if you and your husband are all in!!
05/31/2017 @ 1:11 am
This is a very powerful post. I think being a present and participating dad (and parent, really) is super important. It forces you to break the habits that you don’t want your kids to follow, which in turn, allows for a lot of introspection!
05/31/2017 @ 1:16 am
Agreed Mish. Kids are naturally going to mimic what they see. Kids are learning how to view the world and we need to show them the right way from day one! Thanks for commenting!
05/30/2017 @ 10:01 pm
Very insightful. My in-laws do not understand why my husband occasionally takes time off from work to stay home with out daughter when she’s sick because they assume things like that are the mom’s job. Well, this working momma does not have all the time off in the world. Also, moments like that are when my husband and daughter bond the most. She even prefers “dada” at times when he’s been around more. Thanks for advocating for dads to pull more weight!
05/30/2017 @ 10:27 pm
I have had those same conversations. I posted a picture of my husband wearing the baby sling with our 3 month old and I got a lot of “wow, he is helping you! That’s so nice.” I responded that dads are not babysitters. He is not helping me; he is being a father and taking care of his kids just like I do. I want to educate people that the title working-mother also applies to working-fathers. We both have dual roles, not just mothers. Thank you so much for your comment. May we continue to give our little ones our very best as parenting teams!!
05/30/2017 @ 4:47 pm
What I liked the most- Dad’s are tuned in, raised up to provide for the family. Financial responsibility does become the prime thing for them but parenting doesn’t stop at just ‘providing’.
Liked it. Am glad my husband is a kind of a man who participates in other responsibilities as well and that is what I will be teaching my child.
05/30/2017 @ 5:14 pm
That is wonderful to hear Namrata. Your kids are fortunate to watch a tag team parenting approach.
05/30/2017 @ 2:30 pm
I’m pleased that my husband and I take our roles as parents seriously, and we understand how important it is that we work as a team.
Thankfully he’s not all about all the fun stuff but gets involved in the harder decision making. We both take on the responsibility of raising good humans!
05/30/2017 @ 5:16 pm
That is wonderful Ivy. Raising good humans is all about wonderful collaboration. Thanks for commenting!
05/30/2017 @ 1:13 pm
This is a great post! I love seeing dads getting more and more involved.
10/28/2016 @ 6:56 pm
I think males can bond with children just as much as females. It is also only fair that they tajke on 50% of the tiresome duties as well. That seems just plain fairness.
10/28/2016 @ 1:54 pm
This is great and I totally agree! When I was pregnant, I constantly reminded Eddy, that I shouldn’t be the only one spending time with our precious child. Him spending quality time with our child matters as much as my input. Although, I had to return to school after a week I gave birth, it worked out perfectly. I got a reason to get out of the house and my better half got a complete alone time with the baby. I’ll admit, that when the moment came for me to actually leave them for the first time, I did concider staying home. But then I pulled my self together – it has to start somewhere. The bond I see between them only after a year is amazing and I wouldn’t change it for anything.
10/29/2016 @ 7:39 am
It is so hard to leave our babies, but I completely agree, the father’s bond needs time to be cultivated and cannot happen if we as mothers are always there! My husband takes our daughter out on dates just like he takes me out.:) I have to be honest though, when my daughter wants my husband to tuck her in at night I get very jealous… intellectually I know it’s wonderful, but like you said, it’s physically painful to feel any separation. Thanks for commenting!!
10/29/2016 @ 1:47 pm
My babies are all grown and flown. I carry the imprint of their cuddles.
10/28/2016 @ 7:39 am
I think it is really important for Dad’s to play an active role. It takes a lot of people to bring up a kid. It’s a big job and a father’s input is so important – emotionally and physically. It is important that they relate, bond and help children grow – important for them and the child. Also taking a 50% share of all the work involved.
This is an anecdote I wrote in one of my books concerning taking an active role back when disposable diapers were not an option. –
https://opherworld.wordpress.com/2016/10/12/my-weird-sixties-surreal-book-reality-dreams-chapter-39-a-shit-day/
10/28/2016 @ 8:41 am
That is too funny; Jessica and were just having the diaper conversation yesterday; she uses cloth diapers and I am willing to spend $2500 in the next two years so I never have to touch laundry that is covered in my daughter’s feces.. to each their own right?! Thanks for the comment!
10/28/2016 @ 8:44 am
You’re welcome!
I think the experience of having babies lowers the threshold for contact with urine, faeces and vomit. No matter how careful you try to be there is an inevitability.