Raising Multiracial Children: A Parent’s Guide
For the past 6 years, my husband and I have been navigating the multiracial parenting world together. We have two daughters, a 6-year-old and a 6-month-old. We have had to learn to parent children that will have different experiences than our own childhoods. There are so many issues I could touch on, but I will share only the biggest issues that we have faced in our family. Raising Multiracial Children: A Parent’s Guide is my perspective on how to navigate issues that arise in a multiracial family.
“Having a first child is like swallowing an intoxicating drink made of equal parts joy and terror, chased with a bucketful of transitions nobody ever tells you about.”
― John Medina, Brain Rules for Baby: How to Raise a Smart and Happy Child from Zero to Five
Raising Multiracial Children: A Parent’s Guide
To give you a background of the specifics of our family; my husband is African-American and he is from a small town in North Carolina. He has moved all over the United States in the military as an adult. I am Caucasian and grew up in San Diego. I did my undergrad in Los Angeles and my teaching credential in northern San Francisco before I moved overseas.
So not only are we multi-racial, we are a multi-cultural family as well. Most of what we knew about each other’s hometowns were from stereotypes portrayed on television.
Our Family Story
My husband and I met in Turkmenistan (Central Asia). He was the only African-American in the city we lived in. He was treated well for the most part, but everywhere we went people stared, took pictures, and asked if he knew Michael Jordan. Most attention was harmless curiosity, but the color of his skin was not ignored. We continued to move around the world together for work and had our first daughter in Cairo, Egypt.
In Cairo, my husband’s dark complexion meant he was treated with great respect. His features were considered to be from the royal line of Upper Egypt. As we walked around the bazaars and streets of Cairo, we were stopped by many with comments about us as an interracial couple.
They were all positive, but again, the color of my husband’s skin and the fact he had a Caucasian wife was a reason to be stopped by strangers and asked very personal questions every single day.
Being “Colorblind” is Not Acceptable
Once we had our oldest daughter, the issues that we would face as an interracial couple increased. My husband and I were confronted by an onslaught of issues that we had never navigated before. We also were living in post-Soviet countries where the majority of the population was white. Many people we encountered had only seen an African-American on television, never in real life.
When we moved to Eastern Europe to Ukraine and Latvia with our daughter, everyone wanted to touch her curly hair, ask if she was adopted, or if she was REALLY our biological child. There was a night where a group of teenagers made monkey noises at us when we walked through the park. I was once even asked if I was raped by a black man.
While many still say they raise their children as “color blind”, that is not the reality for me and my family. I was confronted with race on a daily basis and was forced to figure out how to have courageous conversations about race long before I wanted to with my daughter.
Forced to figure out how to have courageous conversations about race long before you want to. #multiracial Share on X
Global Experiences with Race
Then we moved to Mauritania in West Africa. I had the false expectation that we would not have to deal with racism as often. The majority of people living there were my daughter’s complexion (called White Moors). I was dead wrong. Kids 3 and 4 years old told my daughter her dad was ugly because he was too dark.
These awful assumptions were due to the caste system where dark-skinned people were slaves and light-skinned people were slave owners. No one crossed the line. One day, while walking with my African-American friend in the grocery store, the cashier gave her my bags at the checkout because she was assumed to be my slave. Yes, in 2017 there are still countries where slavery exists.
Even when we moved back to the D.C. area, we lived in a mostly African-American suburb and I was aware of the looks and stares I got every time I walked outside with my mixed child. It was very apparent that our family dynamics were noticed and we were treated negatively. People ignored my questions in the grocery store, parents in the park would not let their kids play with mine.
From living in these places, I got a small taste of the issues my husband has faced his whole life. I had a new level of empathy to the subtle and overt ways he experienced racism or microaggressions on a daily basis. I had a new admiration for him as well as friends and family to see how resilient and patient they must have to be in situations I will never have to experience as a Caucasian.
It crushed me to know that my daughters would also experience this kind of hateful behavior and there would be nothing I could do to stop it.
Teach Your Kids their History
Family relationships and structure have changed drastically in the past 50 years, however, there are still very real stereotypes that need active work to change. If you Google the “All-American couple” or watch popular movies and shows, they refer to an “All- American” as a person who is blond and blue-eyed.
The same is true overseas; as we lived and traveled all over the world, people were shocked to meet an American who is a person of color.
My husband and I have both done our research for our ancestry. My family comes from Germany and England. When my maternal ancestors came to the United States, the came to Lancaster, PA then moved to New Kent County, VA. New Kent County had one of the highest populations of slave owners in America. Sometimes the truth is ugly, but it must be a part of our conversations with our multiracial children.
Tracing Your Ancestry
My husband’s ancestry can be traced back to 1805 to the slave owner that first owned his relatives in North Carolina. A DNA test shows that 80% of his DNA comes from Ghana and Cote D’Ivoire where his ancestors were taken on slave ships to America.
When we lived in West Africa, we visited Goree Island in Senegal and Juffereh, Gambia (from Alex Haley’s Roots). As we walked through the slave holdings where so many Africans lost their families, their dignity, and for many their lives, I experienced great shame, while I could see my husband was angry. Even now it brings me to tears to experience such a divide in our relationship, and then have to explain these conflicting emotions to our daughter.
Fast forward to last year when our family attended the Grand Opening Ceremony of the National African American Museum of History and Culture. There were so many “why” questions in seeing the art, the displays, the graphic details of the stories. As difficult as it is to travel to slave holdings, we face it head-on. We follow up those hard conversations with positive stories about those who fought for abolishing slavery and civil rights.
We will teach our girls about the freedom fighters who gave their lives so that our multiracial family can exist safely today. There is still so far to go in diversity and equality and the world is not “colorblind” as so many people love to project. I know my daughters can affect change like so many of the heroes and sheroes of the past.
Teach your kids their history, so they can change their future. Share on X
Children Should Not Have to Choose A Side
Here is where reading books, going to cultural events, after-school activities are all SO important. Representation matters so when choosing books, toys, movies, etc., we actively seek out biracial characters that look like my daughters. We do this so our children are not forced to “choose a side”. I want my daughters to see role models, book characters, and classmates who look like them. My girls are mixed, so are their dolls.
Getting Help from Mixed Families in Hollywood
Thanks to one of my favorite television shows of all time, the I Love Lucy show, interracial couples were first shown in Hollywood. Now they are commonplace in television (Modern Family, Parenthood, Parks and Recreation, etc.) The I Love Lucy show was groundbreaking for many reasons.
First, the premise of a normal married couple who happened to be interracial. They went to work, argued over dinner, got into predicaments that made us all laugh, but they also navigated through struggles due to their race.
For example, Lucy didn’t want Ricky teaching their child “a poor English accent”. They talked about the difficult issues their particular marriage experienced, even though it was uncomfortable. But then they went back to normal day-to-day issues like all married couples do. I cannot wait for the day when “diverse books” are not a niche, but marketed to the mainstream audience.
Teaching Kids to Be Resilient
We are not going to require that EVERY book our daughters read or friend they choose to play with has to be focused on race. We want to show them how to be empathetic, strong, wise, and responsible global citizens, while also giving them the tools they need to encounter the struggles that their ethnicity will bring them. An article I read a couple of years back by Lara Dotson-Renta really spoke to me about teaching our kids how to straddle two cultures. A wonderful read about preparing a child for what is to come.
Discuss the Important Topics
Kids raised in two-parent households have two different parenting styles to deal with. This is true of any home, regardless of race. The number of issues you face increases when you are in an interracial relationship. Based on the many differences in our backgrounds, my husband and I are CONSTANTLY having parenting style conversations.
We agree on the big issues, but navigating the small things is where we have to really communicate. This prevents undermining each other in front of our kids.
**If you need help on how to tackle these types of discussions, I highly recommend using this resource for couples therapy from Better Help.
Plan Ahead for Who Will Take Responsibility
My husband is going to take care of topics like “driving while black” or how to handle being followed in a store by a store employee. The hardest issue for me is having people assume I am not the mother. I hate having to explain to my daughter why the storekeeper said “follow your mama”, and pointed to an African-American woman next to me.
However, this is crucial that you discuss how to handle sensitive topics BEFORE they happen if possible. Yes, there are times where one of you may be left out. It will probably result in hurt feelings with one of you. I am so thankful for shows like “Black-ish” showing how other families tackle the issues they face in their family, while simultaneously using humor and resistance.
I know we are not alone when our family makes decisions based on demographics in mind. This includes schools, neighborhoods, playgrounds, parks, after-school activities, travel destinations, church, etc. Honestly, I dread having to drive an extra 20 minutes to Taekwondo.
However, I do it for the sake of my daughter not being the only black girl in the room. We chose a diverse school for Kindergarten further away instead of the “better” school around the corner that is 80% Caucasian. This was key after years of assignments in countries that were not as diverse as we would have hoped. We finally have control over my daughter fitting right in with her classmates.
The Importance of Food
I am VERY serious when I say a lot of challenges in our interracial family are solved with food. Food is the ultimate comfort in difficult or stressful times. It releases so much negativity when you smell a home cooked meal that makes you feel right at home.
I wish you could have seen my face the first time I ate pig’s feet. When I told my husband I loved fish tacos, he looked at me like I had two heads.
Now fast forward 8 years; he knows how to pronounce and cook enchiladas. He can make California burritos, carne asada fries, apple pie, etc… The same goes for me. I can cook a whole southern Sunday dinner. My collards, hush puppies, punch bowl cake, chicken pastry, creamed corn, and Carolina BBQ are on point.
We both took a great deal of time learning what made the other person feel like home. This is true even when our palettes begged us to stop. It is no small thing to cook Thanksgiving dinner. Had you told me Macaroni and Cheese was mandatory for special occasions when I was growing up, I would have laughed.
The same goes for my husband learning that fish goes on top of tacos. When we see our daughter loves pork ribs as well as guacamole, we know we have done something very right.
Teach Your Kids How to Defend Themselves
I believe teaching your multiracial children to be resilient is a must. We started this when my 2-year-old was asked her if her daddy was “burned”. Not all questions are so black and white, and most are out of curiosity or ignorance when kids are young. But as kids get older, they will encounter harsh words and actions. It can make a child angry, or they can be taught to rise above. Children are watching how you respond when you are treated badly.
“When they go low, we go high.”
-Michelle Obama
We have taught our daughters that they are not required to answer a question/respond to comments. If it is inappropriate, they can ignore the questions completely. They can say “that is very rude” or “that is none of your business” and then walk away. This applies to adults or children. Just because someone is a grown up, does not make them right.
Teaching Kids to Read Ages 0-5
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I hope Raising Multiracial Kids: A Parent’s Guide has resonated with you on your family’s journey. I also invite you to join our Facebook group dedicated to multiracial and multicultural books so that we can use literacy, education, and activism to change the future for our multiracial children. The group is full of children’s book activists waiting to welcome you with open arms.
Join the Read Your World Facebook Group
Your turn. What issues do face in your multi-racial families? Tell us in the comments how you handle the discussions of difficult topics? What do you say to those ignorant strangers? We want to learn from you!
Tips for Reading with Kids
Join the Biracial Bookworms tribe and you will get our FREE printable Top 10 Tips for Reading with Babies, Toddlers, and Pre-Schoolers. You will learn the best strategies for parents and teachers to read to young kids. It's up to you to make reading fun and memorable and the love for books life long, but we're here to equip you to do it.
01/28/2018 @ 6:35 pm
I actually said, “YES!” out loud when I read, ” . . .a lot of challenges in our interracial family are solved with food.” In fact, I think a lot of challenges in the world could be solved with food! The process of preparing and sharing a variety of world cuisines has helped us forge new friendships, learn different languages, and understand cultural and historic traditions in a variety of countries as our multiracial family travels the globe. It’s such a wonderful way to drink deeply of another’s experience and to taste the truth that we are all much more alike than we may outwardly appear. Wonderful piece, Bethany!
01/28/2018 @ 6:45 pm
I am so grateful our worlds have connected Karen. Food speaks to the hearts and minds. Just like books, food and travel are fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness. (Borrowed from Mark Twain.) I am so thankful to learn from you through your culinary adventure and bond over shared highs and lows as multiracial families!
10/02/2017 @ 1:06 pm
Wow loved the article and learning about your experience. It has given me food for thought for my children. We have not yet really discussed race with them because our families, friends and communities have been brilliant and we emphasis more on character but this will be food for thought to start educating them in a child friendly way in case they are confronted with rejection or inappropriate questions. My husband feels they will never need the talk so we decided to work something out. Thank you once again for this eye opening article if you ever have a few pennies to spare visit Cape Verde or certain countries in southern Africa or Europe where they have large mixed race communities
10/02/2017 @ 1:26 pm
We love Cape Verde! What a beautiful island and even more beautiful culture! We have also traveled extensively through Southern Africa and it is lovely. Botswana, Namibia, and Kruger in South Africa are our favorites.
I am so glad to hear it gave you food for thought; what I have found is supporting children early before the problem in a non-threatening way helps soften the blow when there are comments. The negative interaction is never expected and usually comes from the most unexpected places.
10/02/2017 @ 12:56 pm
Such Such a Such a raw powerful account. I have an interracial family although our experience is different is I’m from Zambia and husband from Europe we live in a town where my family doesn’t experience much much harassment. Would you ever consider moving to a more multi cultural friendly town? I also come from a diplomatic family China back in the day was quite racist they would stare and think we were rich etc I know Eastern Europe has a history of being racist I hope you get to travel to some race friendly places London is great as we have many in the racial couples here we do have the odd racists BUT whey mostly keep their nasty opinions to themselves. Thank you for sharing you may also want to send this to MIXED nation and multi racial media with Alex Barnet.
10/02/2017 @ 1:24 pm
Thanks for your thoughtful comment Giray. We have lived and traveled to many cities that are very friendly… however the goal here was to point out that no matter where you live there is always an element of racial profiling you might encounter as a multiracial family. Even in San Diego, CA this past week, we had a few comments. San Diego could not be more friendly and diverse, but there are always going to be those that question our relationship or our kids. The goal for us is to teach resiliency to our kids so that there is minimal negative impact. London is truly wonderful. We enjoy the city every time we travel there. We currently live in Washington DC which is also very diverse. Thank you again for your comment and support!! Look forward to connecting with you further!
08/11/2017 @ 1:03 pm
This post quite literally made me cry. I felt for you, your husband and your children while at the same time drawing the lines of similarity between my bi-racial family and yours. I am so glad that we have met and created a bond.
08/11/2017 @ 1:33 pm
This makes me so very happy. There are things in this article that I didn’t want to write. But if it means finding people like you that have a similar journey and we can unite together, it’s worth it!! The feeling is mutual Elise; so happy to cheer you on with your amazing work in California and spread your message as far and wide as I can. By doing that, we render all the people who have said those awful things to us as irrelevant. We are powerful beyond measure when we stick together!! Cheers!
06/11/2017 @ 9:50 am
In this day and age this is SO important! I will be sharing all over social media to get the message across 🙂
06/11/2017 @ 11:22 am
Thank you Becca!!
06/11/2017 @ 1:42 am
Great article. I love your honest and real approach to a difficult topic.
06/11/2017 @ 2:38 am
Thank you for reading Skye!
06/10/2017 @ 12:39 pm
This was a great read. Love your attitude on all your family has been through.
06/10/2017 @ 1:38 pm
Thanks Ryan. There are definitely a lot of good days to focus on when it gets tough. I think sharing both sides has been cathartic to deal with some of those difficult days.
06/10/2017 @ 10:13 am
This is an excellent post and important topic. While my kids are technically mixed, their mix is not so obvious. I’m a Latina, with fair skin and my husband is white, mostly German and Italian. I ended up with two blondes and the girl has blue eyes. While we don’t face racist or hurtful comments I make an effort to expose my kids to both their cultures as well as many others. Living in NY does help with that.
06/10/2017 @ 1:41 pm
I think making an effort is so commendable Emily. You are right that living in a more diverse place makes it easier, but not all parents take advantage of that. Good for you to expose your kids to the wonderful culture of their Latina, German, and Italian sides. I am sure your home has some amazing Sunday dinners!!!:)
06/10/2017 @ 8:15 am
This is such a strong and well organized piece. Sometimes you don’t realize how much some families go through because our world is so diverse. Thank you for sharing!
06/10/2017 @ 1:43 pm
Thank you Caitlin. There are advantages and disadvantages to travel for sure. I know we would not have had some of the difficult times had we stayed in San Diego, however I feel the good experiences FAR outweigh the bad and experiences with the amazing people and cultures has been worth it.
06/10/2017 @ 5:23 am
I love this post-you have some wonderful insight, and really strong, necessary points!
06/10/2017 @ 1:47 pm
Thank you for reading Jasmine!
05/30/2017 @ 11:37 pm
Thank you For sharing with us! Your family has been through so much and I can’t even begin to say how difficult it mushy have been for you and your family.
05/30/2017 @ 11:42 pm
The difficult times are followed by such wonderful times; but I would be remiss if I didn’t write down our story to encourage others who may share the same experiences. Sharing is powerful, but definitely makes you feel vulnerable. Thanks for commenting.
05/29/2017 @ 3:30 am
Get eye opening! So well written as well 🙂
05/28/2017 @ 8:18 pm
Thanks for sharing these great tips!
05/27/2017 @ 3:13 am
What a great post. I found all of your stories and experiences so eye opening! I come from a bi-racial family as well, my mother is Colombian and my father is Italian but I’ve never had to deal with any of these kinds of situation. Thank you for being so open and honest about this topic 🙂
05/27/2017 @ 10:26 am
Thank you for your comment Esperanza. More often than not, our multiracial family experiences love and support. However, there have been hard days as well. It is so hard to be vulnerable, but sharing our story might empower someone else to share theirs. And we can change the stigma of being biracial in many places by simply sharing. All my best.
05/27/2017 @ 2:34 am
Great post, Bethany! It’s sad that in 2017, you and your family STILL have the stares and the racial insults directed at you all, and that some other people won’t get to know you on the INSIDE because of how you look like on the OUTSIDE. But it’s great that you are raising awareness of the problem that racism exhibits to all peoples today.
05/27/2017 @ 1:53 am
I absolutely love this post and the issue it brings to attention. I feel like people always breeze through this subject or think that it’s not a big enough issue to talk about. I have biracial friends who do struggle with a lot of points that you bring up
05/27/2017 @ 2:38 am
Thank you Genie! I agree; a lot is swept under the rug because it makes people feel uncomfortable. I felt uncomfortable posting such personal stories. I know I have searched for these topics and finally I wrote on this topic with the hope of others like me may find solace and comfort from our unique struggles.
05/27/2017 @ 1:35 am
Wow I really enjoyed reading about your biracial story, am sure there is so much to learn there!
05/27/2017 @ 2:29 am
Thanks for reading!!
05/25/2017 @ 10:31 pm
As someone of mixed race, (NZ Maori and Caucasian Australian) I am so thankful for people out there who have compassion and write these types of books.
I was bullied all through my childhood because of my skin colour and background. Something I am very proud of.
05/25/2017 @ 6:34 pm
Great Post! By the way, I nominated you for a Blogger Recognition Award! Check out the post here:
https://littleladyinthebigworld.com/2017/05/22/blogger-recognition-award/
05/25/2017 @ 8:10 pm
Diane, this is amazing! I read the post and what a WONDERFUL story you have. I am thankful for you including me amongst a very powerful and amazing tribe of bloggers!
05/22/2017 @ 4:10 pm
Thank you SO much for sharing your family’s experience openly. Such an important topic and one that gets brushed aside too often. Hugs to you!
05/22/2017 @ 4:30 pm
That means more than you know Anna. Hugs to you for your support on such a delicate topic that I feel so strongly about sharing. We have made so much progress in global world views thanks to the internet and books with brave trailblazers I admire. Yet too often, experiences like ours are hidden. I could not keep our story hidden anymore and was compelled to write it for people like me who searched for help when encountering these issues! Hope you share this not for promoting me, but to help others like me find their voices too. Together we are loud and strong and people cannot help but take notice!
05/21/2017 @ 2:37 pm
I am mixed race too, my mum is NZ Maori and my dad is white Australian. I had a lot of challenges at school and even in the real world when I get comments that I don’t “look Maori” or that I’m perceived as a liar because my sisters have blond hair and blue eyes.
As a parent you can teach them all about acceptance and tolerance. It’s the outside world who think otherwise, and for a small child going to school, it can be very tough.
The racism and bullying I copped, still affects me today
05/21/2017 @ 2:30 pm
I see that you have been through a lot. I just think that ignorant people would ask to take a picture with someone who is different than them. I have never thought about anything like this before and I see that you are covering the issue very well.
05/21/2017 @ 5:23 pm
I had never seen this either until it happened. Then I started talking about it and found others that could relate. It was lonely for a while until I started sharing and found people who also felt a similar way about these issues, whether or not they experienced themselves. There is power in dialogue, and also power in taking action. Thanks for your comment!!
05/20/2017 @ 2:29 am
Wow!! Bethany your family has been through so much from the world’s perception I truly appreciate your heart-felt writing especially your empathy on what your Husband has been going through and people of color. My family is extremely diverse My Mother is Puerto Rican and my Dad is African American. Yet, I have Hawaii, Caucation, and more in my family. We love how no one really looks alike we take great joy and pride in that. I speak Spanish and look more African American which confused folks growing up and caused a lot of discomfort for my siblings and I. We were brought up to treat people as we would want to be treated and we raised our children the same way…although the world is behind on such a simple act as respect for others no matter who they choose as a partner I’m so happy I only see ???? happy to connect and I ???? Lucy
05/20/2017 @ 8:24 am
Thank you for the encouragement. It’s amazing how people’s expectations are so close minded unintentionally. You are so correct with the simple act of respect transcending race, background, and so much more. I am so glad I ❤️Lucy helped us find each other on the web so we can champion each other. ????